Venting

Lately, I've been having a bit of an issue with my depression.  When a friend asked me what was going on, I really had to think about what was bothering me.

Last year, the people at the church found out I was gay and told me I couldn't teach kids anymore. So then I started praying and talking to people and they all said the same thing. "What you're doing is wrong and bad and sinful". But to me it never felt that way. Then things with my girlfriend went south and I thought maybe it was a sign or something.

So, the next thing I know I'm not identifying as gay anymore and I go to this conference and buy all these books about people who "recovered from their sinful homosexual lifestyle by finding a deep and lasting relationship with Jesus". Then I started going to a support group and then me and my boyfriend started hanging out more as friends and then all of a sudden.... We were dating.

Now I've got people at church and at work saying how proud they are of me and that he's the man God intended for me and all this other stuff. Hell, I've even got people pushing me to marry him! He says he really loves me and I can tell he does and... I can't hurt him. I've hurt so many people in my life and he's such a nice guy and I do love him. So it makes it harder.

On Sunday and Monday while I was with him all day both days, it felt like I was hanging out with a friend. Monday he kinda got on my nerves a bit, no lie. Sometimes he talks too much and he can be a bit immature at times too. But then again... So can I. So I feel like a bitch for being annoyed by him.

So now... I just hurt sometimes. Way deep down inside. I'm taking 2 crazy pills a day now instead of just one and I cut myself about a week ago and I have the strongest urge to just run away to a place where nobody knows who I am and start over. I'm so sick and tired of people thinking they know what's best for me and who and what I should be.

Sure, being gay might be a sin. But to me... A sin is something that hurts someone or yourself. My being gay didn't hurt anyone and it didn't hurt me. Is that really sin? God commands us to love and accept others as He loves and accepts us. Not to say "I love you and accept you, now change."

My heart feels like it's broken, but I really don't have a reason for it to feel that way. Or at least from the outside looking in, nobody would say I do.

I miss the touch and kiss of a woman. I miss being happy and in love with somebody I know I can actually be in love with. As much as I love my boyfriend, I really don't know if I have the ability to be in love with him.

I don't know what to do. I'm lost and confused and I feel so alone in this and all I wanna do is just... Cry.

On top of all of that jazz, my friend has now decided that she doesn't want to be my friend anymore because I told her I wouldn't lie for her anymore and encouraged her to tell the truth and stop hiding things from the man she claims to love.  I worry for his heart.  I love him like a brother, and she's lied to me quite a lot lately.  She's also claimed to love another man.  Said she'd leave her husband for him and never did.  Things like that.  So I worry for the heart of the man she's with.

I'm playing the waiting game trying to figure out if daddy still has cancer or not.  My step-mom is a drug addict.  My youngest nephew  is very sick and there's talk of him being put in the hospital.  My mom and my step-dad are always on me about... Everything.  Money.  Bills.  Chores.  If something is wrong or needs to get done, then I'm getting bitched at.  

I'm tired of being told, "don't do/say something that might stress him/her out anymore".  Well you know what, NOBODY FUCKING ASKS ME OR GIVES A DAMN ABOUT WHAT STRESSES ME OUT!!!  I'm sorry if other people are stressed, but you know what, it's called LIFE.  Life is fucking stressful.  Don't blame your stress on the fact that I encourage you to tell the truth, won't lie for you, or don't make a shit ton of money.  Your stress is caused by shit you did.  You make your bed, so lay in it.  

I've got a stressful life just like anyone else.  I'm 22 years old an I've been through a ton of shit that people don't even know about.  But, God forbid, I stress somebody else out.

Scooter Out.

Round 2

So, needless to say, my post about my sexuality issues deserves a bit of an update. 

I suppose trying to change your life is much like going through the stages of grief.  Let me explain...

Stage 1 - Shock and denial:
When somebody tells you that your whole way of life is wrong and sinful, it's a fucking shock!  After the initial shock wears off, you go into denial thinking "Fuck those religious bigots!!"  This stage can last a while.

Stage 2 - Pain and guilt:
The more you think about what was said to you, the more you hurt.  You feel guilty, like there's something wrong with you or like you did something bad.  The more you dwell on the pain, the more guilt you feel.

Stage 3 - Anger:
We all know anger.  You get pissed because you were basically made to feel like an abomination.  That blows.  So you get all pissy and blame Christians and the Bible and God and the church and then you just decide "Fuck them all!!" 

Stage 4 - Depression:

For me this stage lasted a while.  Actually..... I'm still going through it.  I still feel depressed at times.  And even mad still too.  I feel like there's nothing wrong with who I was, so why am I trying to make other people happy?  I'm miserable and the only thing I want to hear is something nobody will say to me.  So.... Yea.

I'm not gonna go through the rest of the stages.  There's 7 total and I could compare them all to how I feel right now.  Part of me wants to stand up and scream that there's nothing wrong with me.  Then, part of me feels like I need to live my life for God and all that jazz. 

The Bible calls homosexuality an abomination.  The Bible also says not to eat shellfish.  AND that it's okay to stone your kid to death. 

I guess the point I'm trying to make is.... I never felt like an abomination.  Till I started to fight who I was. 



Scooter Out.

Hmmm....

So..... This is how the boyfriend story happened....

Once upon a time there was me.  I was TOTALLY content being a lesbian.

I went to church and I had lovely friends there who didn't really seem to care.  But I wasn't waving a banner about it or anything...  Just living my life.  But the more i got into the church, the more I was concerned that people would find out and judge me.

I started teaching the two-year-old class on Sunday mornings.  I loved it.  My life was good.  I had an amazing church, a classroom of kids I adored, and a fairly decent love life.  Things were going my way.

Then one day, I got a phone call from the head of children's ministry at the church saying she wanted to speak to me.  I knew before I even went to her office what it was about.

Long story short... I wasn't allowed to teach anymore.  Because of my "sinful homosexual lifestyle."  I love living in the Bible Belt. 

I decided I'd try to give up on being gay.  Those kids were my heart and worth it to me.



Needless to say, that's what I've been trying to do for a while.  I've read books from people who are "ex-gays that found God who showed them the way to a meaningful heterosexual lifestyle".  I've read my Bible.  I've prayed.  I've gone to conferences and counselors and withdrawn from several amazing friends of mine.  All for the sake of being able to teach a class of two-year-olds.

Anyone see some dedication here?

All this brings us to.... Charlie.  Charlie is a really awesome and sweet guy.  And I really do like him a lot.  I'd go as far as to say  I love him.  He knows I've always identified as gay.  And at this point I'm pretty sure he knows why I'm doing my best to not be.  But he also knows that it's still there.  He even offered to let me be with a woman because he knows that he doesn't create the same "spark" in me that a woman does.  Needless to say, he's a freaking great guy.  :)

But....  I'm still attracted to women.

So... Here I am.  I have a boyfriend.  A great boyfriend.  One any woman would be lucky to have.  And yet I am unsatisfied.  I love him dearly.  And yet i dream of women at night.  I care for him.  And yet I constantly have to stop myself from my normal way of thinking.

I think it's safe to say that my dedication to a teaching job for which I do not get paid is a bit too strong.

Now what?

I think it's safe to say.... I'm living a double life.

Scooter Out.