I don't particularly have any deep or exploratory things to say. I have a lot on my mind I'd like to send into the cosmic void, though, so bare with me today as I unburden myself.
About a month or so ago I was sitting in church and I had one of those moments where it felt like the pastor was speaking directly to me. I knew (and still know) that I wasn't where I should be in my relationship with God. Something had to give. That day I prayed for God to bring me to a place of brokenness and humbleness so that I might learn to fully trust Him with my petty fleshly problems. I didn't have to wait long for an answer. Within 2 weeks, I had broken things off with my fiancé that I realized I was not in love with, and my dad was hospitalized and diagnosed with lymphoma shortly after. I can't say I was thrilled about any of that, but I've always been a person to believe that all things happen for a reason.
It's been a little while now and I'm growing accustomed to being single again. Although I'll have to admit the loneliness sometimes creeps in on late nights when it storms or I just want someone to wrap their arms around me. I'm a hopeless romantic...
My dad goes in to have surgery on Thursday to try and figure out where the lymphoma has spread to and to take a biopsy to let us know what stage it's at. As soon as we figure all that out he'll begin treatment. He's scared, but in good spirits. I'm terrified of losing him. But I put on a brave face for his sake and the sake of my family.
Through this one good thing has come about. My prayer has been answered. I now feel closer to God than I have in I don't know how long. I hate that it had to happen like this. I understand why, but I don't like it. I pray for my dad as hard as I can, and other people who are sweet and amazing and love me are all praying for him, too. I hope things don't get any worse, but with cancer things tend to get worse before they get better.
My faith has been restored, but at what cost? That's the things that keep weighing on my mind. Will that prayer kill my dad? The one who has supported me in anything and everything I ever wanted to do or be and the man I always saw as invincible...? Is this my fault? Some might say that I'm being silly. Maybe I am. I just can't stand the thought of being without my daddy. I'm very much a daddy's little girl.
So, for those of you who read my blog, I must ask a favor. If you pray, would you kindly keep my dad in your prayers? I thank all of you in advance who chose to do this for me and for him. May you all be blessed for helping a stranger.
Scooter Out.
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