Free Form Thursday

So I'm going to take this opportunity of Free Form Thursday to talk about the thing that is on every one's minds since the naked man who ignored being shot while eating another man's face hit news....  ZOMBIES.

I know a lot of people who know about Onion think that maybe it was a hoax or that the dude was just on drugs.  Let me tell you this now... THAT'S WHAT THE GOVERNMENT WANTS YOU TO THINK!!  DON'T BE A PUPPET TO THEIR IDEALISTIC SOCIETY THAT'S NOT WORKING OUT FOR ANYONE BUT THEM!!

 

It's time to lock and load, bitches.  Let's take this time together to discuss appropriate zombie killing weapons and proper zombie killing techniques.  Or at least... What I label appropriate zombie killing weapons and proper zombie killing techniques.

This is your average, run-of-the-mill, can be picked up at Wal-Mart Louisville Slugger.  That's just the brand I'm partial to.  As long as it's a good quality bat (preferably wooden since aluminum bats tend to dent), it will efficiently bash in the skull of a zombie.  

This is an absolutely beautiful BATTLE READY Japanese Katana.  THE BATTLE READY PART IS EXTREMELY IMPORTANT!!!!  IF YOU GET A KATANA THAT IS NOT BATTLE READY IT WILL 9 TIMES OUT OF 10 BE FOR DECORATIVE PURPOSES ONLY AND WILL NOT CLEAVE THE HEAD OFF OF A ZOMBIE!!!!!!  Be wary of where you're buying it from.  You need a good quality Katana to keep you alive through the zombie apocalypse.

This is a machete.  May not be the best for killing zombies, but it will work.  It will also be helpful when in the woods or for those pesky non-zombies who try to rob/rape/kill/maim you.

I went with the non-firing weapons first because you must consider that eventually you will run out of ammo.  Plus, the weight of carrying ammunition for multiple guns would tire you out faster, considering that you will also need to be carrying some food, water, possibly extra clothes, as well as a medical kit.  I cannot stress the medical kit enough.  Zombies are attracted to the smell of fresh blood and, much like sharks, they will flock to you.  They might be slow, but when you have a multitude chasing you and they never get tired.... Your odds are not good.  ALWAYS carry a medical kit.  Always.

Now time for guns.  Every one's favorite, including mine, but I try to consider the practicality.

 

This, ladies and gentlemen, is a 50-cal handgun.  My motto is "Go Big Or Go Home", and this will efficiently blow the shit out of anything you take the time to fire at.  I thoroughly enjoy hollow-point bullets.  They're nasty and they expand withing the flesh of your victim.  I like that.  

Here's your average, run-of-the-mill 12 gauge shotgun.  I'm partial to the type of ammo with the larger ball backed by all your smaller, regular-style shotgun balls.  It's meaner, and I'm an evil bitch so.... It works out.

 

And this is an 18 gauge shotgun.  Hehehehe.  I have an evil grin on my face now.  Just so you know.  Same ammo as the 12 gauge, just.... bigger.  

 

And if you REALLY wanna go big or go home.... This is a 20 gauge shotgun.  Not for the faint of heart or for those with bad shoulders.  This may dislocate a bad shoulder rather efficiently.  Just saying...

Now we're gonna play with the big boys.  This is a semi-automatic AK-47.  And a gorgeous one at that.  I wanted to find one with the clear magazine because I really like them.  You can see at all time the amount of ammo left in your weapon, which is a VERY big advantage when trying to fight of a hoard of zombies and you only have so much time to reload.  You wanna know for sure that your ass won't be grass if you encounter a large group.  

And last, but not least, we have the AR-15.  I like these, predominantly because they look amazingly bad-ass.  But.... I'm still going to say I'm partial to the AK-47.  They tend to hold more ammo per magazine and you really want that.  

Well, my dears, now that we've gone over appropriate zombie killing weapons, let's see what we can find about proper zombie killing techniques for each weapon.  If not each one, then most of them.  

Baseball Bat:

Hmmm... This is making me think about retracting my last statement about the wooden bat...

Katana:

I like the katana.  I like it a lot.

Machete:

I'm still not partial to the machete for killing zombies.  Predominantly because it's so close range and I don't want zombie death goo all over me.

Shotguns vs. Pistols:

I decided a comparison would be nice.  I prefer the shotgun, but will keep a pistol handy as a last resort for zombies or my personal defense weapon for those pesky non-zombies.  

I'm not even gonna try to hunt for an AK or an AR video.  The others were hard enough to find.  We all know the AK and the AR both would kick ass.  No questions asked.  

Well, fellow hunters, you now know my favorite weaponry and methods.  And, ladies, if you have long hair and you don't wanna cut it off in the face of the zombie apocalypse, shoot me an email and I'll send you back a wonderful and simple hairstyle that will keep the undead from your locks and, in my ROTC experience, will not come loose with any amount of running, climbing, jumping, swimming, or crawling through the mud under barbed wire.  

Scooter Out.