Lately, I've been having a bit of an issue with my depression. When a friend asked me what was going on, I really had to think about what was bothering me.
Last year, the people at the church found out I was gay
and told me I couldn't teach kids anymore. So then I started praying and
talking to people and they all said the same thing. "What you're doing
is wrong and bad and sinful". But to me it never felt that way. Then
things with my girlfriend went south and I thought maybe it was a sign or
something.
So, the next thing I know I'm not identifying as gay anymore and I go to this conference and buy all these books about people who "recovered from their sinful homosexual lifestyle by finding a deep and lasting relationship with Jesus". Then I started going to a support group and then me and my boyfriend started hanging out more as friends and then all of a sudden.... We were dating.
Now I've got people at church and at work saying how proud they are of me and that he's the man God intended for me and all this other stuff. Hell, I've even got people pushing me to marry him! He says he really loves me and I can tell he does and... I can't hurt him. I've hurt so many people in my life and he's such a nice guy and I do love him. So it makes it harder.
So, the next thing I know I'm not identifying as gay anymore and I go to this conference and buy all these books about people who "recovered from their sinful homosexual lifestyle by finding a deep and lasting relationship with Jesus". Then I started going to a support group and then me and my boyfriend started hanging out more as friends and then all of a sudden.... We were dating.
Now I've got people at church and at work saying how proud they are of me and that he's the man God intended for me and all this other stuff. Hell, I've even got people pushing me to marry him! He says he really loves me and I can tell he does and... I can't hurt him. I've hurt so many people in my life and he's such a nice guy and I do love him. So it makes it harder.
On Sunday and Monday while I was with him all day both days, it felt
like I was hanging out with a friend. Monday he kinda got on my nerves a
bit, no lie. Sometimes he talks too much and he can be a bit immature
at times too. But then again... So can I. So I feel like a bitch for
being annoyed by him.
So now... I just hurt sometimes. Way deep down inside. I'm taking 2 crazy pills a day now instead of just one and I cut myself about a week ago and I have the strongest urge to just run away to a place where nobody knows who I am and start over. I'm so sick and tired of people thinking they know what's best for me and who and what I should be.
Sure, being gay might be a sin. But to me... A sin is something that hurts someone or yourself. My being gay didn't hurt anyone and it didn't hurt me. Is that really sin? God commands us to love and accept others as He loves and accepts us. Not to say "I love you and accept you, now change."
My heart feels like it's broken, but I really don't have a reason for it to feel that way. Or at least from the outside looking in, nobody would say I do.
So now... I just hurt sometimes. Way deep down inside. I'm taking 2 crazy pills a day now instead of just one and I cut myself about a week ago and I have the strongest urge to just run away to a place where nobody knows who I am and start over. I'm so sick and tired of people thinking they know what's best for me and who and what I should be.
Sure, being gay might be a sin. But to me... A sin is something that hurts someone or yourself. My being gay didn't hurt anyone and it didn't hurt me. Is that really sin? God commands us to love and accept others as He loves and accepts us. Not to say "I love you and accept you, now change."
My heart feels like it's broken, but I really don't have a reason for it to feel that way. Or at least from the outside looking in, nobody would say I do.
I miss the touch and kiss of a woman. I miss being happy and in love
with somebody I know I can actually be in love with. As much as I love my boyfriend, I really don't know if I have the ability to be in love with
him.
I don't know what to do. I'm lost and confused and I feel so alone in this and all I wanna do is just... Cry.
I don't know what to do. I'm lost and confused and I feel so alone in this and all I wanna do is just... Cry.
On top of all of that jazz, my friend has now decided that she doesn't want to be my friend anymore because I told her I wouldn't lie for her anymore and encouraged her to tell the truth and stop hiding things from the man she claims to love. I worry for his heart. I love him like a brother, and she's lied to me quite a lot lately. She's also claimed to love another man. Said she'd leave her husband for him and never did. Things like that. So I worry for the heart of the man she's with.
I'm playing the waiting game trying to figure out if daddy still has cancer or not. My step-mom is a drug addict. My youngest nephew is very sick and there's talk of him being put in the hospital. My mom and my step-dad are always on me about... Everything. Money. Bills. Chores. If something is wrong or needs to get done, then I'm getting bitched at.
I'm tired of being told, "don't do/say something that might stress him/her out anymore". Well you know what, NOBODY FUCKING ASKS ME OR GIVES A DAMN ABOUT WHAT STRESSES ME OUT!!! I'm sorry if other people are stressed, but you know what, it's called LIFE. Life is fucking stressful. Don't blame your stress on the fact that I encourage you to tell the truth, won't lie for you, or don't make a shit ton of money. Your stress is caused by shit you did. You make your bed, so lay in it.
I've got a stressful life just like anyone else. I'm 22 years old an I've been through a ton of shit that people don't even know about. But, God forbid, I stress somebody else out.
Dammit, woman. I can't stand reading shit like this, it reminds me all over again why I hate religion for the shame, guilt, and judging it promotes. Selfish people. I can't believe they told you that you couldn't teach! My heart goes out to you.
ReplyDeleteThis might help: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ao0k9qDsOvs
Homosexuality is normal. It runs rampant in nature. I don't believe in sin, so I can't tell you whether or not you should feel that it is a sin, but anything that promotes such self-shame and sad emotions is detrimental to your mental health and honestly, you probably feel that your god doesn't want that for you. So I hope that you can have some inner peace over that issue. Because it's important :)
You have to fight, that's just how life is, but you should not have to fight people who "care about you" over your sexuality. That's absurd. And maybe it is a good idea to just leave. I guess all circumstances are different and I know that you can't outrun your problems, but staying in the South would've mentally killed me before I was 19. Moving to Utah was the best thing I've ever done for myself. I'm not saying pack your bags. I'm just saying, keep your mind open! Do what's best for you!!
I want to write a lot more about this but I feel like it might get too personal and I don't want to step on your (or anyone else's) toes...but if you want to talk more about it feel free to email me anytime! I'd give you a million hugs if I could. And if there's anything I CAN do don't hesitate to let me know.
You're strong, I know you'll get through this. <3 Hugs.
I suppose my biggest issue with the sexuality thing is the fact that people will call me out on that, but when I point out something they're doing that's wrong the automatic response is "Oh, that's different." Fuck that! Wrong is wrong and sin is sin. Period. Just because I like women, that doesn't mean I'm an evil monster.
DeleteAnd as far as my issues with people go... After I wrote this, I figured out a way to solve that problem really fast. Say a big "Fuck You" to the people who claim to be my friends but in all actuality don't give two shits about what's really happening in my life.
I'm tired of the drama and the bs. I'm just gonna be who I be! :P
Btw, you won't step on toes. Promise. :)
Be yourself and let your freak-flag fly! I view my appearance/personal presentation to be something of a test. If you don't like me when I'm depressed or in trouble, then I won't like you when I'm flying high and being awesome.
DeleteIf someone talks to me when I've rolled out of bed and am wearing the same clothes for a week and smell like wet dog, then that person will be put on my "New Best Friend" list.
Everyone else is put on the "Fuck You and Your Stupid Face" list.
There's no point in reiterating everything you've said so eloquently above, so instead I humbly submit a "You go, girlfriend!" which I believe sums up all my feelings for you.
Ready?
You go girlfriend!
Aww. :) Thanks, hon! :D
Delete