How To Tell When Scooter Has Had A Shitty Day

It never ceases to amaze me how the woman who has known me since I was still swimming around in her uterus can't seem to grasp when I've had a bad day or when I'm in a bad mood.  

She seems to think that if I don't talk a lot, or I yell at the dog to shut up when she's been barking for 2 hours non-stop, I'm automatically in a bad mood.  That's not true.  I'm not particularly verbose anyways... At least not at home.  I learned long ago that talking a lot at the house is a bad idea.  

My mother and I are too different to have conversation that doesn't include yelling.

Anyways, I decided to make up a little list for my devoted blog followers so you don't end up on the wrong end of my temper.

Top Five Ways To Tell That Scooter Has Had A Shitty Day:

• I come home from work with either alcohol, ice cream, or both.  Stress eating at its finest to me means a pint of ice cream and a cheap bottle of wine.  When you see these things in my hand as I enter the door after work, you might want to steer clear of me for a while.

 

• As soon as I get home, I retreat to my bed or my shower.  Either of those mean that I'm trying to relax.  When I need to relax, it means... I'VE HAD A BAD DAY!!!!

 

 

• If I tell you that I've had a bad day or that I'm in a bad mood.... Guess whaaat???  

 

• If I petition you for sex.  I normally don't behave in such a manner.  But when I'm stressed the fuck you, I WILL maul you with my vagina.  I have no qualms doing so either.  So if I offer, you better jump on board and prepare yourself for the wild ride you're about to take.  You may not be so lucky to be exposed to my awesome snatch again.

• Did you just TELL me that I'm in a bad mood???  Well, guess what... I AM NOW AND YOU'RE IN MY FUCKING WAR PATH!!!!!

So.... Now you know.  Any of those warning signs means that the volcano is close to eruption and evacuation is probably the thing you want to do if you value your life.

 

On the upside, after half a bottle of wine, things become funny again.  After the whole bottle.... I feel warm, fuzzy, and desire human contact.  Usually in the form of sex.

 

 

 As of right now.... Things are funny.  I think I need to dig deeper into that bottle...

Scooter Out.