Stone Walls and Barbed Wire

Upon reading the title of this blog, you probably think it has something to do with prison or jail.  You're wrong.  Stop assuming.

When I was 2 years old, I had my heart broken for the first time... My dad left.  He went away and I thought it was something I'd done.  He swore he'd come back for me, and never did.  I didn't see him again for another 2 years.  But I waited for him... 

When I was 8, my grandmother died.  I didn't know she was even that sick until she was dead.  

When I was 16, my first love blindsided me with the first taste of romantic heartache that I'd ever felt.  Needless to say, I was a bit of a mess for a while after that.

Shortly after that, I was in a severely abusive relationship with a guy because I was trying not to be gay.  I was at the height of my depression and self mutilation.  Once I he cracked a few of my ribs with his truck, I broke things off with him.  I still have scars on my face from that.

I've been broken up with and cheated on and hit and screamed at and called every dirty mane in the book by people who have claimed to love me.  

I've also grown very accustomed to seeing my mother and step-father screaming at each other.  So I haven't exactly had the greatest of examples in the relationship department.

Lately, I have found myself on the doorstep of what I'm terrified to even think of.  I met a woman.  She is beautiful, smart, funny, strong, and overwhelmingly sexy.  We have so much in common it's not even funny.  She gives me butterflies.  But I'm so terrified to even attempt to cross the line into a relationship.  I like her, but she's WAY out of my league...  I'm so afraid of being hurt again.  I honestly don't know if my heart can take it.

I'm almost 23 years old.  I'm ready to find The One.  The person I'm going to spend the rest of my life with.  I'm ready to settle down.  Ready for that True Love.  Yet, I'm so bloody jaded, that I can't bring myself to consider another relationship.

I want more than anything to find someone who has the determination and the love for me to bring down the stone walls and barbed wire around my heart.  I don't really know how to let people get close to me.  Everyone I've ever let close has either left or died.  I know the whole dying thing happens, but it's still shitty.

I want to let this woman close to me, truly I do.  But I honestly don't know how, and I'm so afraid of being hurt that my brain keeps saying "Is it even worth the risk".  My heart wants so much to believe in this woman.  To believe that she could maybe be the one to bring down my walls.  But what if she's not up for the task?  I'm not quite sure she knows what she's getting into with me....  But she seems confident.  And she seems to like me, too.  :)

What on earth can I do to conquer this insane fear of mine?

Scooter Out.