Hello, My Name Is Jaded

Jad·ed [jey-did] adjective - worn out or wearied, as by overwork or overuse.

Once upon a time, I had a lot of faith in humanity and people.  I was able to give my heart and my love freely.  I took being hurt in stride.  I got up, shook it off and moved on.  But I swear to you that I don't lie or exaggerate when I say that every single person who was supposed to be there for me and promised me that they would has let me down.  I mean everyone.  My parents, lovers, friends... Everyone.

I don't trust easily.  When I give my trust and it is broken it can take years until that person gets it back.  If they ever do.

Within the past week I have been hurt by other people.  I have been let down, abandoned when I was in need, cried, and even cut myself.  My heart is tired and my soul is weary.  What am I supposed to do?

When a person is constantly hurt they eventually become cold.  I'm so afraid that I feel that coming on in my life.  I don't want to be cold and unfeeling but if I continue down the path of constant emotional beatings, I know I will be.  I'm not even sure if writing helps anymore.  I used to be able to turn out a few poems, put my feelings on paper, and I would feel a bit better.  Now it just doesn't seem to help the way it once did.

I figure that maybe something is wrong with me.  I know that I am emotionally unstable.  I'm on medication, but I'm not sure it's helping at all anymore.  I mean.... I cut myself this week.  How is that medication helping if I'm doing that?  I swear there is something wrong with me.  I know there is.  There has to be.  

I want to publish a few poems I've turned out recently.  Maybe that will help someone, anyone, understand enough to offer me the sound advice that I can somehow give to other people but can't seem to come up with for myself.

Gauntlet

My head and heart are fighting

Anxiety ripping through my skin.

The old familiar feelings

Flooding through my veins again

Star light, star bright,

First star I see tonight...

If wishes really came true

My heart would win this fight.

Screaming on the inside

While holding the outside together.

The perfect mask of serenity

I've been wearing for forever.

My love for you prevails, 

But what problems will it fix?

Can I just stand by

While you continue to scratch the itch?

Lack of control

Doesn't mean lack of strength.

How much time will pass

Before we see this to length?

Star light, star bright,

First star I see tonight...

If wishes really came true,

You wouldn't be fighting this fight.

Denial runs deep

In both of our hearts.

You cling to your hope

While mine slowly departs. 

Star light, star bright,

First star I see tonight...

If wishes really came true, 

I'd wake up this night.

The blackness creeps in

As I struggle for air

Screaming out to the nothingness

In the pit of my nightmare.

The sun creeps over the horizon

As reality sinks in.

The time has come for you and I

To face the gauntlet again.

 

 

Let's See 

You said you'd take a broken heart for her.

Let's see how true that turns out to be

When you're laying on the floor

Clutching your eyes as if to push those acidic tears away.

Let's see how long you'll last

When emptiness launches it's attack

When it finally hits you that you're alone

That you've let go of your heart

So that see can beat happily away

While you are left pathetic, cold, numb;

But not numb, just wanting to be.

You drown yourself in a forbidden ecstasy.

That fire in your lungs won't help you.

That alcohol coursing through your veins won't do.

It's not enough.

Nothing is or will be.

Can't you see? 

You're not so strong...

Not for yourself anyway.

You'll be Hercules for her

But in the end when you're alone,

It's like all the circles of Hell have crushed you.

Especially that without hope...

But you've never needed God, have you?

Religion won't help either...

Don't turn into a hypocrite.

All that will do,

If anything at all will give you time.

Time for your shattered heart to heal

More deformed than before and more jaded

Than any bashing has left you.

So let's see how you plan to keep your promise.

After all...

Loyalty has served your scattered spirit well.

 

 

River

The ropes have been unbound

Drowning

The thickness fills mu lungs

Sinking

The sound of her voice still haunts

My feet touch bottom

The pressure crushes me

Her voice still rings in my ears

Fingers on my skin

Breath on my neck

Hands in my hair...

Blackness.

Sweet unconsciousness sets in

I lose myself

She follows

Breakthrough...

Air passes my lips and I taste life

Screams erupt from me

And tears from my eyes

She possesses me.

Teeth in my heart

A knife in my back;

No resistance can stop her.

Crawling

The moonless night holds me

The ground is my bed

I'm falling....

Slipping....

Gone.

Sleeping the sleep of the dead.   

 

Scooter Out.