30 Day Self Harm Challenge: Day 3

Day 3: What Is Your Motivation To Recover?

I truly believe that recovery is a life-long process that begins from the first moment we decide to put down the blade (or whatever else you use to self-harm).  It is a daily decision that you make in your subconscious to be stronger than the shit that life throws at you.  It may be 1, 5, 10, or even 20 years since that last time you self-harmed, but that temptation is still just as sweet.  I was at my 2 year mark the last time I slipped on my recovery path.  Five new scars later, I'm on about the 1 month mark now.  Not something I'm too proud of but it happens.

My motivation to recover (or to continue recovering) isn't another person.  A lot of people say "oh well my *insert important person here* wants me to stop.  You people are fooling yourselves.  You can't stop doing something this addictive unless YOU want to.  Everyone around you will want you to stop, but at the end of the day, it is YOUR decision and yours alone.

My motivation isn't to "inspire and awe people" or to "use my story to help others".  If I inspire, okay.  If I don't, okay.  If I help someone because of what I did, okay.  If I don't, okay.  I don't care either way.  If you start on a path motivated by wanting to help other people by using your own experiences, you're setting yourself up for a lot of disappointment.  Sure, you can you some of the shit you've done, seen, or been through, but every one's life is different.  No body's life will mirror yours to the point where you can say "this worked for me and it WILL work for you".

Now that we've covered what my motivation to recover is not, let's cover what it IS.

My motivation is the woman I see when I look in the mirror.  The person that dwells within my heart and my soul.  My motivation is me and me alone.  I made the decision to recover because I knew that I was on a destructive path.  I made the decision to recover because I wanted to better myself and I still do want to better myself.  I made the decision to recover because I fucking wanted to.  That's it.  It really is that simple.

You see, in my short time I've spent on this earth, I've learned that you can't spend your life bending to the whims and desires of other people.  You have to be who you truly are and feel hoe you truly feel.  You have to put yourself first sometimes.  As a society, we believe that it's selfish to put yourself first, but you can't to a damn thing for anyone else if you're not taking care of your own shit.  If I were to want to be a counselor, but I was still self-harming, that would make me a hypocrite.  I fucking hate hypocrites.  They're the worst type of scum on this earth.

My motivation to recover from my 11 years as an active self-harmer is this woman right here:

If that's not a good enough reason, then I don't know what is.  The life I was given is precious and short.  I'm not going to waste it by destroying myself.

Scooter Out.