Letters

Once a relationship I'm in ends, I have a tendency to set everything ablaze.  I have a ceremonial burning of the.... Everything.  Letters.  Stuffed animals.  Flowers.  Everything.  Or so I thought.

Last night, I couldn't sleep.  So I was cleaning out an old drawer I haven't opened in I don't know how long when I saw it.  An old folded up piece of paper with handwriting on it.  Her handwriting.... Christina.  I'm very convinced that my heart stopped.

On the outside in blue pen were the words "Para Tu".  I thought very seriously of taking out to the grill and burning it.  But my heart screamed at me.  I had to know what it contained.  I sat down and read that letter. 

Once my ability to breathe and see through the blinding tears and the pain in my chest, I took the letter outside and burned it.  As it was engulfed by the flames, I thought of the damage I did in her life.  Has it really been so many years since That Summer?  I still long for the forgiveness I know I'll never get.

Then I thought of the pain that one little piece of paper had caused me just then.  I wondered if somewhere she's happy.  Loved.  Fulfilled.  Cared for in a way that I was too young and too stupid to do for her.  I hope so. 

I thought of my boyfriend.  My sweet, loving, moderately innocent boyfriend who loves me in spite of my flaws and insanity.  I thought of how I scared him and probably hurt his feelings last week.  My mom's words of "don't you hurt that boy" rang in my head. 

I stared at the last few words on the page as the fire consumed the last tangible memory I had of That Summer... "My heart and my home will always feel so empty without you."  I mourn those words because I know they're no longer true.  Christina hates me now.  I ruined so much for her.

As the last few embers died, I shut the grill and turned to go inside.  I could have sworn just then I caught a whiff of her on the night air.  The smell almost knocked me to my knees as a flood of memories I've kept back for so long hit me like a sack of bricks. 

I went inside, crawled into my bed, pulled a pillow over my face, and proceeded to sob.  Uncontrollably.  I let out everything that I've been holding back from That Summer four years ago.  I cried gut-wrenching sobs over the pain I caused.  The pain I felt.  The regret I still feel.  I cried for Ashley.  I cried for Christina.  I cried for the dozens of others I hurt by hurting both of those women.  And last but not least, I cried for myself.  For my idiocy.  For not realizing what I had when I had it and for being so stupid as to throw it away.

I'm not sure how long I cried.  I only know, that when my alarm went off this morning, I was still exhausted.  My face was still red and puffy.  My eyes a swollen mess.  My hair still in the ponytail I'd pulled it into the night before.  My pillow was still damp.  But I got up.  I got up and pieced myself together and came to work.  Christina followed me.  She's been dancing through my mind all day.  Nothing I can do will shake her from my memories now. 

I'm not sure if the healing process started four years ago and I just reversed back to the beginning, or if it has just started.  I only know that in my heart I know I'm not the girl I was back then.  And I refuse to ever let myself be her again.

It's funny how much can start and end with nothing more than an old letter.

Scooter Out.