Hmmm....

So..... This is how the boyfriend story happened....

Once upon a time there was me.  I was TOTALLY content being a lesbian.

I went to church and I had lovely friends there who didn't really seem to care.  But I wasn't waving a banner about it or anything...  Just living my life.  But the more i got into the church, the more I was concerned that people would find out and judge me.

I started teaching the two-year-old class on Sunday mornings.  I loved it.  My life was good.  I had an amazing church, a classroom of kids I adored, and a fairly decent love life.  Things were going my way.

Then one day, I got a phone call from the head of children's ministry at the church saying she wanted to speak to me.  I knew before I even went to her office what it was about.

Long story short... I wasn't allowed to teach anymore.  Because of my "sinful homosexual lifestyle."  I love living in the Bible Belt. 

I decided I'd try to give up on being gay.  Those kids were my heart and worth it to me.



Needless to say, that's what I've been trying to do for a while.  I've read books from people who are "ex-gays that found God who showed them the way to a meaningful heterosexual lifestyle".  I've read my Bible.  I've prayed.  I've gone to conferences and counselors and withdrawn from several amazing friends of mine.  All for the sake of being able to teach a class of two-year-olds.

Anyone see some dedication here?

All this brings us to.... Charlie.  Charlie is a really awesome and sweet guy.  And I really do like him a lot.  I'd go as far as to say  I love him.  He knows I've always identified as gay.  And at this point I'm pretty sure he knows why I'm doing my best to not be.  But he also knows that it's still there.  He even offered to let me be with a woman because he knows that he doesn't create the same "spark" in me that a woman does.  Needless to say, he's a freaking great guy.  :)

But....  I'm still attracted to women.

So... Here I am.  I have a boyfriend.  A great boyfriend.  One any woman would be lucky to have.  And yet I am unsatisfied.  I love him dearly.  And yet i dream of women at night.  I care for him.  And yet I constantly have to stop myself from my normal way of thinking.

I think it's safe to say that my dedication to a teaching job for which I do not get paid is a bit too strong.

Now what?

I think it's safe to say.... I'm living a double life.

Scooter Out.